Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."

The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end ..."

Missed any of our rib ticklers? Here's a chance to catch up with some gems.

Duck at vets - You should see the bill

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lays the duck on the examination table the vet pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the duck's chest for signs of life. After a few moments the vet shakes his head and turns to the woman and says sadly, "I'm sorry but the duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wails, "Are you sure?"

"Yes of course am sure. The duck is dead," he replies.

"How can you be so sure?" she protests. "I mean you haven't done any testing - he might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolls his eyes and leaves the room. He returns with a black Labrador. As the duck's owner looks in amazement, the dog stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the duck from top to bottom.

He then looks at the vet and with sad eyes shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes him out and returns a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumps up on the table and also sniffs the duck from its beak to its tail at the back end and back again. The cat sits and shakes its head and meows softly, jumps down from the examination table and strolls out of the examination room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turns to his computer terminal and after hitting a few keys a bill is printed off, which he hands to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "£450!" she cries. "£450 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugs. "If you had accepted my word for it, the bill would have been only £30.

But with the lab report and the cat scan - it all adds up."

Males/Females at the drive-through ATM machine

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

********************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Man's best friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, just see which one is really happy to see you.

Men!

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?

Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

Answer: Because they are ...

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles? Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? Answer: Who cares?

Question: What did God say after he created man?

Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!

Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?

Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

Answer: i) no mind ii) no business

Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

Answer: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What is the difference between men and pigs? Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

Answer: Exchange him!

Question: Why do men like smart women?

Answer: Opposites attract.

Best Headlines

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Classics

(Some of the links may get timed-out. If this happens, when you visit, let us know and we'll see if we can get them back for you).

Blonde Mastermind

Click

www.sendspace.com/file/iszq2u

Scroll down to link, flashing red arrow.

Turn up volume and be amazed - be very amazed.

Singalong - "I bought it on e-bay"

Click

www.youtube.com/watch

Turn up the volume and sing along with Weird Al.

Dimwits

Click here

my.break.com/content/view.aspx

Sound not absolutely essential as you will see.

Some Favourites (old & new) For Christmas

"Dear God"

It is Christmas Eve in the Post Office sorting department.

The supervisor comes across an evelope, with no stamp on it, addressed to God, in a shaky scrawl. He opens it and reads:

Dear God, It will be a bleak Christmas for this poor widow, unable to find enough for fuel or food. If you could see your way to sending £100, it would be enough to have a cheerful fire and a turkey on the table.

Touched by its contents, he rallies his staff, "Come on lads, dig deep and let's make this old lady's Christmas." So, they have a whip round and collect £96.

The supervisor gives it to one of the lads to deliver by hand.

Some days after Christmas, when they are back at work, the supervisor comes across a similar letter, no stamp, addressed to God, in the same shaky handwriting. He guesses it is from the poor widow. He open it and reads:

Dear God. Thank you for the £100 you sent. I was able to have a nice warm room and a lovely Christmas dinner for which I am most grateful. Thank you.

P.S. It was actually four quid short but that was probably those theiving bastards at the post office.

Click here

downloads.raileurope.com/holidayCard/06_christmas_card.html

Turn up the volume

Scroll down to "Choose a destination"

DON'T YOU JUST HATE SPROUTS WITH YOUR XMAS DINNER?

Christmas Game to Play.

Click here

www.eyegas.com/xmas05/

and turn up the sound

New game for 2007

(Warning: Start playing this and you'll not get anything else done).

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS


Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
***
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist....
you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
***
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
***
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each
finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those
squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
***
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through
the racket.
PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
***
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the
racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with
those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
***
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking?
It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to
bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't
move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
***
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there are nine pipers playing.
And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No
wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a
petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
***
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of poop.
The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
***
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
***
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction,
of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you
should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanatorium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please
find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas